You know I have been running in circles for days. lol who am I kidding weeks, months, possible years. I don’t always know what I believe about life’s journeys and the roads we choose. Does it have to do with Karma? Is it up to fate? Is it just the luck of the draw? I have been told before that we choose the life we want to live. I pounder that at times and think if that were the case what the f was I thinking when I signed up for this. lol
My life really isn’t bad, it has just been full of a lot of stuff. I was born a sick baby so I had things that needed to be delt with from a young age. If you were to ask my mom I am sure she would tell you that there were things to be delt with from the get go. It would seem that birthing me was a bit of a challenge and slightly unpleasant. I would say, ya but what a gift you got a beautiful baby. Though I was born with black eyes and big marks on my head from the forceps getting me out. I am not sure if I started wrong way around meaning feet first and they had to turn me and I also think I was facing wrong way.. think I was down and your suppose to be looking up. Being my dads first biological child he wasn’t sure I was cute or if that is how babies are to look. lol My mom tells me she had to reassure him that I was beautiful. It may sound strange however that use to hurt my feelings. For so many reason and some I am sure I will touch on as I share. One was my self worth and self esteem, my doubt about my own beauty. It wasn’t until I was more confident in how I felt about myself that the sting would leave when she would talk about my birth and the ewh of it all.
My mother had a bit of a temper and was somewhat out of control a lot of the time. I understand it more so now, however, growing up I could never find my footing with her. I never knew what I was going to get or what was going to set her off. There were plenty of times I would walk in stone faced or little reaction expression with hopes that it would not upset her. Though when someone is in that much pain and walking wounded and reactive no matter what one did it wasn’t going to work. Happy it was called smug and it could get wiped off your face. Stone face was called ungrateful and could get just as much of an anger reaction as the smile. you were pretty much screwed. So you moved through it quietly, and as swiftly as you could to not disturb the sleeping lion, Meaning don’t ask for trouble, its safer to leave things as they are.
I lived with my dad, which was a strange thing back in the days then. It was not common for men to raise their children let alone a man raising a daughter. Far more common now however back in the day when I was young it was very very foreign. For awhile we lived above our store and my mom lived in the house next to us. I would like to say it worked out well, though it definitely had its challenges. Looking back at it now, I wonder how they managed. Separated, divorced all the while living right next door to each other. Trying to run a business and manage their children. phew it was nutty. lol In all honesty they did pretty amazing for all the crap that was going on.
I most certainly out of us three girls gave my parents a run for their money. I mean we all had our things but I was the baby. My oldest sister was the oldest. She had to deal with me as a baby because my mom was on meds that didn’t allow her to function so spry and lack the full of pep one needs to manage with a baby. So from a very young age she had some pretty heavy responsibilities. She also took the brunt of my moms temper. Being the oldest was a tough gig. My middle sister had less responsibilities though there were some expectations out of her. She had more responsibilities than me, though less than the oldest. She didn’t seem to get the repercussions of my moms temper as much as my older sister did. Honestly my oldest sister was pretty much a saint and it wasn’t good enough. They had to do dishes, I found a way to escape the chores like go hang out in the washroom till dishes were done. They had to clean and I am sure I hung out and watched. They couldn’t wear jeans, they had way more demands and expectations out of them than I had. How they both love me still to this day can sometimes be shocking. Seriously. If my oldest sister burnt my head while curling my hair, lets say I am 6, so she is 12 she would get in sooooo much trouble. If she didn’t help me man would she get spazed on. How she does not resent me, I do not know. I am sure she did at some point while growing up, how could she not. Thankfully we grow up and we see things in different lights.
Now I am unsure if I got less freakouts because I was unhealthy, the baby or I just did nothing wrong. HA HA HA.. nothing wrong, oh me.. that makes me laugh. I am sure it had a lot to do with the fact that I was the youngest. I do not believe much was expected out of me. And we had stuff, underlying stuff. I may not have understood it all though I could feel it.
I will have to continue this tomorrow. its late and I have an early morning.