I don’t know about the rest of you, however, at the ripe older age of 56 I really thought I would have it more figured out. Yet today here I am wonder what the fuck I want to do when I grow up? What feels good? What do I enjoy? What kind a person am I, really? Do I even know? What are my qualities, defects and lastly what the fuck is my purpose? Ya I know I dropped a couple F bombs not because I am unintelligent and don’t know the English language, its because sometimes it just has that impact that you need to really express your completely perplexed, discombobulated wonder of WTF. Honestly so many emotions are connected to it. Confusion, frustration, discomfort, amazement, and awe. Maybe this is what they mean by midlife crises?
I use to believe that midlife crises was more connected to the crises aspect of it all and that it happened to people in midlife. I use to think it was because life was changing so much at that age bracket, aging parents, bodies changing with health concerns, children getting married and having children of there own, loss of job, loss of loved ones, marriages ending, heart wrenching life changes. It took me awhile till I realized that midlife crises wasn’t really crises as in intense trouble or danger that it was crises in self identity and confidence. And I am not going to lie, that knowledge didn’t happen till not that long ago. Maybe because my life seemed to always be in crises so I just figured I was in teen crises, young adult crises, whatever fricken age bracket I was in crises…lol sad, however, very true. So I figured midlife was just another crises where there was going to be more shit for me to deal with. I just didn’t realize that the shit I was going to be dealing with was me.
I can’t tell you when it exactly happened, or what the trigger was that started the unravel.. I can tell you that it was like a fall, you know the kind I mean. When you trip, you can feel it happening, its like time slows down and it is all moving in slow motion, your brain is telling you babes your falling yet your body cant catch up so you don’t have time to put your arms out not quick enough to stop yourself from crashing into the ground. There you lay face down in the dirt, cuts and scratches and you don’t know if you want to laugh or cry because it hurts, its embarrassing and yet it is funny because you saw it all happening and could do nothing about it..so it feels like an out of body experience and those weird things always make us laugh because they are uncomfortable because we don’t understand them.
I can tell you I am in it, not sure if I am at the beginning, the thick of it or what because I know so little about it. Do we even talk about this? Does it get dismissed as hormones? menopause? empty nest? I have overheard people talking men and women alike when someone makes big changes or shifts in there lives, they claim they must be going through a mid life crises. I also noticed it is said lots when others don’t agree or understand why the person is doing what they are doing. I, now knowing what little I know about midlife crises, don’t disagree, the person probably is going through midlife.. I think the difference in my thoughts is that I think right on, way to go, good for you or maybe even about time.
I am sure both men and women go through this yet I hear it referred mainly towards women and lots in a negative aspect. Sure some guy goes through it, leaves his wife, hooks up with someone else and kudos.. Women does it and it must be because she is going through a midlife crisis. They are most likely both doing it for the same reason, needs aren’t met, desires and wants have shifted and changed, they wake up and realize they don’t know who they are and aren’t really sure they like the person they are sleeping next to, they aren’t even sure they like themselves.
Being that I am female I can only speak to that. I am not saying this is the same for everyone however this is how it is for me. I have lived my life for everyone else, I was someone’s daughter, someone’s sister, someone’s wife, someone’s mom, I was always someone’s someone. I didn’t think much about it. I moved through life taking care of the things I needed to take care of, worked, dealt with the house, fed the kids, organized the home and all that lived in it, got people to where they needed to be and moved around filling in pot holes and putting out fires. I was the doer, the fixer, the reliable, the stability, I was the person holding it all together. I do not resent that, I built it. Mind you I was unaware that I was building it, I was just putting one foot in front of the other and doing my best to get us to the next day. The thing about that is, I moved through my life taking care of those around me and the person I missed taking care of was me. I had a mortgage to pay, mouths to feed, sports to pay for, activates to get to, home renos, job to do, you all know what I am talking about and I had little ones to take care of. I didn’t have time to take a breath let alone think about how tired I was, or what I needed. What I needed was to provide for my children and do the best I could to give them a decent life, good memories, self esteem, self worth and hopefully happy people. I say that like before that I knew who I was and what I wanted, yet I didn’t. I memeber growing up and being unsure of myself, not knowing where I fit in, if I fit in at all. I walked to a different beat that a lot of people I know, it wasn’t look at as good it was odd or not proper or correct. I lived with my dad and that wasn’t normal not for the time that I was being raised, I had friends that weren’t allowed to hang out with me once there parents knew I was living with my dad and not my mom. I spend a lot of time wondering what was wrong with that and why did it make me a bad person. I know as a teenager the awkwardness one goes through and changes from my understanding a mothers more emotional and understanding in those times, I am sure my mom was, I wasn’t living with her though, so I got the dad version. More logical, non emotional, be accountable for yourself and your hormones are not my problem so go figure them out and don’t use them as an excuse to be an asshole. lol Needless to say I am not sure I really knew who I was at that stage of life either.
Anyways we grab our wounds, our family lineage of function and dysfunction, our insecurities, hold onto those reins and head onwards with the trail a blazon. Then your in the thick of it. Next thing you know your in, my case, 50’s and your wondering who am I? Do you know how long it took me to figure out what I liked, what made me feel good? Being honest I didn’t even find out that it was a feel good till later, in the beginning I used it as an outlet to deal with my mass overwhelming heartbreak with Drake and Chris going to prison. It was once I stopped and then picked up the paint brush again that I was, hey I like this. it felt good, I was free in it. Then with my over analytical mind, I questioned why, why do I like it, what about it feels good?? Then I started to wonder what else do I like and why? And when it took me awhile to figure out there was a bigger why? Why in my 50’s did I not know what brought me joy and what didn’t? Why was I doing things I didn’t like? Why was I engaging in conversation and with people I didn’t really enjoy? Why was I moving though my life and not feeling it? I could recall things though most of them were painful or a negative aspect of things I had gone through, is that really how I wanted my life to be summed up as. And here lies Lorri, she was a critical thinker, moved through crises well and took care of many. Good job Lor…. Seriously is that what my dash looked like. That’s kinda where it started for me.. The not knowing who I was, what was going to be between the dash on my gravestone ( if I had one)
I get it more so now, I am not making any rash changes in my life, though I do see how easy it would be for me to blame my dissatisfaction on those around me. I could blame them all for me not feeling joy, or enjoying a more carefree life, It would be incorrect though the thought of not having to be accountable, responsible or do the work feels kinda like an ease off the shoulders. I would love to put my head in the sand and just escape it, yet then I would be in my 60’s still not knowing who I was and out of people to blame for my dissatisfaction. So this last little while I have really been looking at it.. What do I like? What kind of person am I? I find it fascinating and sad all in one swoop. I can see some of the whys, some of the behaviors I have and where they stem from. some of them aren’t even my beliefs they were just things I was taught. Its kind of like when someone does something and you ask them why and the response is that’s how my mom always did it or that’s how my family has always done it. We don’t know the whys it is just what it is because that is the way it has always been done. It doesn’t mean it is correct or the best way it is the only way we know. I see some things I have done not because I liked them I did them because it was a way to belong, to be a part of and now I am why? I do not enjoy this and if I have to do things I don’t enjoy to hang with these people then maybe they aren’t my people. The amazing part to me is it isn’t even a conscious decision you just get caught up and because you don’t know yourself well enough you do shit to just be a part of. barf…. Which leads us to here. Not only are you questioning your hobbies, you question everything? friends? jobs? home? where you live and for some who you live with? Do I like this or did I just accepted it because it was easy and I didn’t really know what I wanted at the time. How can you really accept things when you are so unsure of who you are? I think we become compliant and that is why so many of us just go through the motions not really knowing joy. I think we get glimpse of it here and there and I do think you can feel it everyday I sometimes wonder if that fear of letting go and being true to who we are is so overwhelming that we just stay in our compliant numb world. Maybe we are afraid that if we truly embraces or selves it isn’t that we leave people but people will leave us. If we admit that we don’t like our jobs then we let go of the security of steady income and go after a dream that may or may not work. Though that desire to do what ever it is you want to do has been burning in there for a long time, we just keep it pushed down because we have other tasks to tend to. Again I can only speak for myself, what I am realizing is that I never took the time to find out what that burning desire was inside of me, and if I got a glimpse here or there I lacked the confidence to go for it. Or I was too busy taking care of others to tend to my own needs. Or again maybe that was the excuse I used to not go for it, to not fail? I think back at my younger self ( not that long ago like maybe a month) , always doing for others, take care of those around me looking for validation and approval…. never knowing what I wanted or needed, how could I know anything about myself I was so busy tending to the needs of others that I never took the time to figure out my own needs. Maybe that is why the identity crises happens at mid life because the kids are grown, there are less people to tend to, less things to take care of and you are left with yourself a self you don’t know. The distraction or excuses you had are no longer available to you and you have to really look at your life and wonder am I happy? Do I like who I am? Is this the me I want to be the rest of my life or do I want to be something different. You may not even know what that different is, you just know that things do not feel good and you want them to.
I don’t know, maybe it is just me? All I know is that it is a big world out there and if we can be whatever we want to be then best I figure out what that is before I am at the end of my dash. I am not saying my life is horrible or I am in some real crises of danger and something terrible, however, I am definitely having some issues with my identity and confidence of who and what I am. So here I go to figure it out….hopefully the end result isn’t that I am an asshole stuck in a perpetual miserable rut
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Very well said Lori. It’s not just you…