You ever wake up and think this is going to be a great day, you get ready and head to get you and your crew coffee. You look down and realize you still have your slippers on. You grab all the coffees and go drop them off, only to realize that you didn’t order yours. You positively, cuz it going to be a great day, think I will grab mine on the way back after I go get my work shoes on. You head home, you have plenty of time, till you hit the school zone and the guy in front of you doesn’t end the school zone speed the whole way to the next school zone. Oh man, its feels like forever, however, keeping the positive mind set you carry on and honestly what else can you do. Finally, home, change shoes and head out the door, Yaaa coffee time, you look at the clock and you are going to be late so guess what no coffee for you. You’re trying to hurry except you have school zones, so you are not going any faster than you already are and now you’re going to be late. Now you have no coffee, apparently can’t dress yourself to leave the house in the appropriate attire and now your late and frazzled you hate being late! YA, THAT NEVER HAPPENS TO ME EITHER. LOL
I always find it completely interesting how we roll out of bed and self-determine a day. And though we have made this declaration to ourselves as we move through the day almost everything and anything will go sideways and yet we manage to stay positive about it. Why because somewhere in our being we determined it was going to be a good day. RIGHT, AGAIN THAT DOESN’T HAPPEN TO ME EITHER.
All kidding aside, I do wake up and something inside me decides it is going to be a good day and much like the story above, things will and do go sideways. Not always however it does happen. Sometimes I can wake up and think this day is shit and want to go back to bed and I haven’t even moved yet. Why? What predetermines before we have consciously takin our first morning deep breath how our day is going to be? Is it how well we slept? what we dreamt about? Or is it a spillover of what our day was the day prior? Is it something energetically that tells us how the day will be, is it conscious or unconscious. Is it those rare moments when your connected to your soul that you just know??? oh so many questions I have.
What I know to be true for me is this, no matter how I wake up shit day or great day I have found that if I don’t take a few moments to just sit, just be, that no matter what I have predetermined, the day will not be anything but a day that is happening to me. For some of you that may seem like a typical day, of course the days happen to you, you live them they are happening, and you are in it. For myself it doesn’t work like that. If the day is happening to me, it is an indication that I am not grounded, that I have lost myself somewhere though out the day and that I am not consciously present. Sure, I can have days where things get to me more, I rant and complain about some stupid shit, (human after all) however I usually will re ground myself at some point and look at it deeper, closer and find out what is in it for me.
I would love to tell you that I am some sort of spiritual guru and that I have this Zen life that I can reflect on and choose oh so wisely all the time. That would be a big fat lie. I stumble and fall often, way more than I would like to admit, however, it’s the truth. I don’t see the point in lying about it all you have to do is watch me or read my book and you can see or read how little Zen I possess at times.
There are times when I have been on top of the world, felt like I was so connected to something grand and great, my confidence high and my self-esteem in tack and then what would seem like in a breath all my gold had turned to dust so to speak. It, at times, would feel like it was on a repeat cycle, high, low, high, low, high, low.. I know I am not the only one, I hear it and I see it. Not that it makes it better that you see and hear people going through the same struggle, however, there is something we find comforting in knowing we aren’t the only one. I questioned though, why? Misery loves company? Shame, embarrassment? Or maybe we use it as a tool to gage if we are on track with where and what we are supposed to be?
Then something happened, my heart broke, my life turned upside down and I was once again a victim of circumstance. It wasn’t right then and there that I realized however it was in that journey that I was capable of seeing far more clearly than I was able to before. I know most of you are expecting me to say something like I found God or something along those lines. Not so, I found myself. Something in the shattered mess I was, I found some peace. I found some clarity. It definitely didn’t look how I thought our dreamed it would look, it wasn’t all shiny and bright. It wasn’t achieved with some grand success or with anyone else but myself. Me and my own self. I know it sounds like there is two of me and at times believe you\me it feels like there are two of me. My ego and my heart (spirit/soul, whatever term you choose to use) and that is how it began. My ego and my heart in conflict in the mess that I was living. My ego forever telling me to hide, to pretend, to stand tall and don’t let anyone see you fall. Oh the headache of listening to endless rant of my ego trying to convince the rest of me that what was going on was not visible to the rest of the world. That if I continued to deny the reality then the shame and dysfunction would not be noticeable to the rest of the world, either. I couldn’t do it, my heart was so shattered and my emotions so raw that I was unable to listen to my ego, I was unable to pretend anything besides the true pain I was in. I then shut myself away from the world, not forever, just for a little bit to heal without the outside influence of people projections of their own wounds. I learned to be alone, I learned to lean in, I learned to feel the discomfort that I was in. I know it sounds easy; I can tell you it was not.
I had been brought up in a dysfunctional family, much like the majority of us, so my coping tools were of that. The dysfunctional ways of which I was raised, the dysfunction my parents had picked up from there’s and then adding their own. We all find our own coping skills within our family of origin. My survival skill I grabbed onto and held firmly to until this time was anger. It was how I coped with everything. shame, unworthy, not good enough, frightened, or hurt. everything was delt with in anger. In some weird way it led me to believe that I had some sort of control. Possibly I used it to take some power back I definitely did not have (false power, not real power) And it was great for keeping people at bay so that you couldn’t get hurt! (Meanwhile you’re doing nothing but hurting yourself, affirming with the ego you’re not good enough, no one cares, your alone blah blah blah, whatever your negative repeat tape you have)
The moral of my long-winded story here is that I had learned behaviors from a very young age that shaped my life. That instead looking at what was being presented to me, I was busy being a victim feeling like it was all happening to me. That somehow it was up to fate on how my life turned out, that I somehow was just here. In the moments of despair, I was blessed to see things in a different light. I was able to ask myself questions I had not asked before. I had woken up and it was supposed to be a good day so why was I a puddle of mess sobbing on the floor, later in the shower to cry myself to sleep. Only to wake with the feeling still there, despair. How was I ever going to wake to a thought of a good day again? why was life so cruel? when was I going to find joy? what was wrong with me? how come no one loved me? why was I so unlovable? Why was I not good enough? AAAAAHHHHHHH finally some questions that are going to spark the heart, on sure the ego could weigh in however when your broken the ego tends to back off a little, only because I think it feels it has won. (That might not be accurate) And so the journey begins. Great questions that I was not able to sluff off, questions I really had to look at. What did they represent? where did they come from? were they true? was I unlovable? was I not worthy? Did I even know what joy looked like? And the one that got me movin the most was what am I doing to live my life how I want to live it. Well, isn’t that just a big old slap in the face when your broken and you ask the questions to find out that you’re not living at all, you’re breathing yes, you’re moving yes, but honey you are not living.
*side note: my dad one time told me that I was a pc of driftwood floating down the riving smashing into rocks, moving where the current was taking me, no protection, no direction. I was hurt when he said it to me, however, he could not of been more on point. *
It was in the moment of being broken that I really had to look at myself. What was I responsible for? What was I doing to grow my self-esteem, self-worth or define who I believed I was? And did I believe my thoughts of who I thought I was or who I had been told I was? Why did I keep making choices that ended me in a repeat cycle of yuckiness? Oh, I could talk about this for days and days and days. Did I mention that I could take about this? lol I love it, I love that I was able to look at myself, to be responsible for myself and to realize that life wasn’t happening to me, it was happening for me. It was presenting me with the situations I needed in order to grow, to learn, to adapt, to be who and what I am. Sure, I was raised in dysfunction, who wasn’t, yet that is not why I am the way I am. I learned dysfunction, absolutely, however I do not have to stay in it. I have a choice, I can choose to grow, I can choose to change, I can choose to accept myself flays and all and still love me. It doesn’t mean that I will stay this way, it just means that I am ok with knowing that I am growing and evolving each and every day. That with each day I choose to take a moment to ground myself and stay present that there are gifts in each day.
So yes, I wake up and somehow predetermined in my mind before opening my eyes that it is going to be a type of day. When I believe the day is going to be great, I smile to myself and think ya till the universe shows you a different plan. The difference is I don’t force myself to have the day that I perceived it to be when I first open my eyes. I don’t resist how the day looks and what crazy turns come about. I don’t get angry if I buy the coffee and forget to order mine, or stress to much if I run a little behind. I don’t let the thought of a day and what I believe it is supposed to be destroy a whole day because it didn’t turn out that way. What I love the best is that I no longer believe that the day is happening to me, I now realize it is happening for me. So if I forget my coffee, it means I will get it later or I probably didn’t need another cup. If I am running late it is an indication to leave earlier and be more prepared, if I leave with my slippers on my feet, it might or most definitely means i needed more sleep..lol Sometimes I can get lost in it and by no means am I saying I am perfect or Zen like. What I am saying is that growth is amazing and sometimes/ most of the time it is always about us… how we perceive, how we act and how we choose to react. The world isn’t against us, I am not unworthy, unlovable or not enough… I am the shiny and bright, I am the rare that I look for, I just had to break down the old conditions and beliefs that I grew up with to find it again. I remembered it as a child, I remember having that feeling of great connection, of knowing what I was to do. That my tummy would never give me the wrong indication on what to do, choice to make or direction to go. I am not sure how or when I built up all the walls, held on so tight to my functional survival skills or forgot my worth? (well I have ideas, story for another day) Today though, I wanna say thank you, thank you for providing my heart with enough pain and discomfort that I finally allowed myself to feel, to accept and to be. Thank you, thank you, thank you 🙂
I don’t know if any of you have ever been there or experienced the same. I hope that you didn’t have to go through despair to get there. I do not know if it looks the same for everyone, however I hope that your journey is good, and you know that you are enough. have a great day 🙂