As I step into 2025 I take a moment to reflect of the year I am walking out of. What a year it was. Like many of my years they tend to be filled with carnage and chaos, heart ache and mishaps. What a path I chose. This one felt a bit more chaotic, or maybe it is because the last couple years have been just like this one, so by the time I got to this one.. I was a bit more tapped out.
There wasn’t a lot of breath time in-between 2023 and 2024. My reflection between those two where wtf just happened. So this year I really wanted to process my year and not just move into 2025 scattered frazzled and burnt out. LOL good luck Lor. So I did a short evaluation.
- Still dealing with Liberty living here and having to ask her not to come back till clean. Love, Love her so very much and even so, it was hard on the family and myself. Dealing/working with the ministry, her dad, and her aunt. Aunt was easy, Love, Love her too. Ministry, we had some moments, ok more than one or two. Her dad, for the most part we did ok and even though Lib wasn’t living with me he still would text for support or phone to talk about her. I worked hard to keep my relationship with him open, the reason being it was her dad and he had a right to know how and what she was doing while living with me. It wasn’t easy I was still harboring some pain from the time and loss of Autumn.
- Damian, my 6 year old grandson needs another major brain surgery. Heartbreaking. They preform it, soooo hard watching him learn to speak, walk again. Thankfully it didn’t take him long, heartbreaking none the less. To witness the ache in his parents heart, his sister, all of us. The helplessness of not being able to do anything. The knowledge of what is to come, that one , that one stops me in my tracks sometimes and fills my heart with sorrow and I sometimes let the tears fall. To dust off, think as positive as I can, build as many memories as I can and enjoy him while I can. Damian has a massive cyst in his little head that takes up most of the right side of his brain. It grew a bit last year, creating pressure on his optic nerve. The bravest strongest little man I know
- I had about 3 months between Damians surgery and end of May where it was just my normal chaos of life. Taking care of my ailing dad, which finding him no responsive last year was a total kicker. Him and I have a great bond. I know its not that normal for daughters and dads, but him, he is my solid. He doesn’t hold back, straight up, direct, to the point, no bullshit and be better Lor guy and always with love. Helping my sister Suzi with recouping from her 4th aneurysm, getting her set up, making foods and spending time. That one happened the year prior and it was nasty. Her ability to make it through these will never cease to amaze me. When they were not going to operate because the bleed was so big, we basically were there to say good bye, a couple days in and she opened her eyes, they had to help her fight then… So incredible. Had a little family drama due to my personality and sense of humor which then turned into a thing for myself, my mom and my aunt. Mom and I have always walked on eggshells, we hurt each other without meaning to hurt each other. Its a hard place to be when you are both hurting, our conversations are more defensive, we both felt unheard, seen or validated. ( now that might be a little unfair for me to say, she hasn’t directly said that to me, though I know how I feel and I imagine it isn’t much different for her ) When conversations are hard well then healing isn’t as easy to come. The great thing about my mom is she is has never givin up on me. We will eventually get to a talk through, they can be intense however she does them with me. I do not have your typical mother daughter relationship with my mom, we love each other. Absolutely. Her and I though, we aren’t just mother and daughter, we are teachers and students, we are fighters and lovers, we are our lessons and importantly our gifts to each other.
- Hugo my rescue pup in all of his smarts, eats rocks. I knew as soon as he started puking that he had a blockage. So Vets we went along with my sister Suzi who I invited for the ride. We went for lunch while they examined him, they phoned to confirm yep rock and he needed surgery. Hope ya got 5 G cuz your going to need it. Drag however it was resolvable, expensive, he was worth it. The moment I hung up the phone Suzi made a high pitched noise that I knew meant only one thing. We were experiencing her 5th aneurysm. I cannot tell you what happens watching your sibling go from laughing, to no responsive, to no radial pulses to shallow minimal breaths, knowing full well what is happening and not a fucking thing you can do about it, while you wait for an ambulance. Don’t get me wrong I soldiered through, had level 3 first aid for 14 years and did all I could do while I waited.
- July was a ok month just recouping from jammed up June. August was alright, I had to have some test ran, which made me have to have some dr appointments and biopsy in September, by October I had two appointments with specialist, new I would be having surgery though didn’t think it would be till 2025. I got to go away in October for two weeks to my home away from home Maui..I know I ought to have a home there, or I could bum it on the beach 😉 landing day they call to tell me I will be having surgery in Nov, Day I am leaving they phone and do my intake over the phone. I get home for work Nov 1 and have a big 20 days till surgery.
- November is full work and prepping for surgery. I am feeling pretty ok about surgery, not a huge fan however I realize it needs to be done. I am older so I know that women have to have these sort of things done usually due to complications from menopause, hormones’ fluctuation and such. I had not started mesopause, I was a regular flowing jane. I had only had two irregular flows in the year. So I was heading there I am sure though now I wasn’t sure what that was going to look like. I imagined it would be determined by what they see once inside. remove it all , leave tubes, ovaries. What did that mean for hormones, was I going to be a bigger asshole than I already am.. I had concerns of course who doesn’t yet I did as I always do separate myself between logic and emotions. Surgery is done, I have to stay a night in the hospital then out the next day. Ya me what a trooper, two surgeries done at once, I was up in the night peeing ( no choice catheter fell out, balloon deflated, it happens) I am thinking great home recoup and get ready to head back to work in January.
- December 1, ( 8 days after surgery) I am back in the hospital, I had a hematoma that ruptured ( thankfully) because it got me to the hospital where I find out the hot cold I am feeling is not because my ovaries are still there and I could be going into menopause it is because I have a bad infection inside me. I am not talking a light take some pills it will heal this week kind of infection, I am talking a this can kill you kind of infection. I am put on iv antibiotics immediately, they CT me to make sure I don’t have blood pooling and a better idea of what they are dealing with. I am not wanting to stay however, they tell me if will be for a couple days to really attach the infection. Cool I can handle a couple days. The days passed, I wasn’t getting better, my bowels stopped working, my tummy was expanding ( I probably felt like Hugo did with his blockage) so after 3 enema’s and 3 depositories and nothing getting better, me getting sicker on day 5 this put a tube up my nose, down my throat and into my tummy to start sucking all the stuff that was stuck inside me. I didn’t realize I was going to have to be awake for it, however, you are… I can tell you it is unpleasant. Three days that thing was inside me and the stuff that came out…GROSS… however during that they realized that there was a lot of blood and they were going to have to figure out where the bleed was coming from once they could remove the tube. I can not tell you how happy I was when I was able to have that removed. Thankfully it had pulled out all the other poison’s that were leaking into my system. And at last healing was starting to happen. I was scheduled for a procedure the following day to see inside my tummy and small intestines. I was able to be moved out of private room and into another for my last couple days of hospital stay.. I was never so happy to leave a place. 10 days was too long, I tease my daughter, she is a nurse and tell her my reviews are only giving his hotel a 2, food not great ( mostly liquid and through a tube, bed and pillows so not cozy) 5 stars for service though they were so very very good to me, even through my tears, asking if I was going to die, telling me they were doing all they could to make sure I didn’t, rooting for me to poop…..lol and mostly for giving Kaylee the support she needed when she had to leave my room to breakdown, to give her hugs and keep her in the loop even though sometimes it broke her heart. Home by the 11th wasn’t going to make Christmas an easy task. J had done the tree, put up decorations and bought most of the foods for dinner.. I was pretty weak, and unable to lift a dang thing so really it was up to them. I was able to order a few things on line for the grandkids that would make it before Christmas so that was somewhat salvageable. Besides they had me what more did they need 😉
Which brings me to now. January 2025, I stated to evaluate and reflect once out of the hospital.. actually that is a lie, it started in the hospital. I had to adjust my thinking quickly or I was going to become a victim of my circumstance and once we take that role learning or seeing any other way about it becomes more of a challenge. I had to re process, this was happing for me not to me. Had I not had the rupture, I would not have gone to the hospital. I would not be here.. very different outcome. Had the infection not been as bad possible it wouldn’t have effected my bowels, or maybe the bowels were already an issue though without that they found the bleeding in my tummy. Yes it all created more poison in my already very sick body, yet here I am. While in the hospital worried about dying many things went through my mind, one was if I am fighting this hard to live then what kind of life is it I want to live for?? The other was Lorri how were you living that you ended up this unwell that you had no choice but to decide you wanted to live?
Awhhh the beauty of refection.. I can look back and I see how much I stepped out of my body, how often I separated my emotions and put one foot in front of the other. I see how I moved through the days, normalized the intense emotional disturbance of brain surgeries, watching people slowly slip away, ailing parents, mental health and addiction, heart ache and trauma .. you mean its not just another Thursday out for lunch when your sister has an aneurysm, this isn’t everyone’s norm. Its not normal to have a child overdose in the back of your car. Its not normal to move through the days trying to build enough memories with your grandbabes because every day is borrowed time?? I see where I moved into a survival role. I see where I was more caught up in what was happening to me not for me. My year was painful along with a few other years and yet I am grateful. Yep GRATEFUL.. why because I learned a lot.. I am not walking into 2025 the same person I was in 2024. Each situation shifted me differently, however it was my own health at the end of the year that put it all in perspective. It allowed me to look at myself and all the things that have gone on. Really look at how I showed up, how I behaved, was I of service or not, and why did I do the things I did?? Were the behaviors for the others or were they for me? Did I even know who me was which brings me to start new..
New year, new me? Nope … New year for sure however this year one of my resolutions was BE LORRI. I read it in a book, not for the person to be Lorri but to be whoever there name was. I liked that, it sounds easy enough. I have been me for 56 years, but have I? Have I lived to Lorri’s fullest potential, have I loved to Lorri’s deepest capacity, have I expand all Lorri’s dreams and desires into a reality, better yet does Lorri even know them? So often we get caught up in existing that somewhere along the way we stop living, I mean really living. We are children, someone’s child, we wear there wounds unknowingly and take on the behaviors. Then teenagers and isn’t that learning all about your quirks and flaws ( others perspective and maybe some already an issue for you). Then young adults’, oh we think we know soooo much. lol Trying to navigate your way through, education, career, meeting a partner, social groups, friends blah blah blah.. Then you have children and you are lost before you even really get to know yourself. Now your a mom and every mom knows we are not the first at the starting line. We are the last ones to show up. Not because we are tardy or lazy, its because we tended to everyone else needs first and once everyone else was good and taken care of what energy was left was for you to get a move on to other adulting tasks. I know that isn’t everyone’s journey, it was mine. So 2025 number one goal, be me( Lorri). How she looks, feels and moves about the days, I am not sure. I have some beliefs’ and I don’t think those will alter, however perspective, ways of doing I have a feeling those may shift. Who knows as I grow into Lorri maybe it will all change. The journey awaits.
Enjoy the adventure 🙂