reflection, preception and everything in between

I have had much time to sit and reflect over the last few weeks as many of us have had.  I don’t need to be self isolating or quarantined to sit back and think about things, reflect on my life, my behaviours, my journey.  I have always been a self analyzer, pull myself apart, examine, dissect, hammer the parts I feel I don’t like or want to change and try to place myself back together.  It doesn’t stop there the parts that I don’t like or the feelings that come with some of the reflection,  I analyze those as well as I am hammering them out.  I pull it all apart beating myself up in the process wondering how I can be better, what can I do differently, how come I couldn’t catch myself before I said or did that, why did I do that?  

I remember one time someone telling me I am hard on people and I expect a lot.  I am not sure that is my truth or there perception of me.  I do expect a lot from myself.  No one can be harder on me than me.  There has not been a day in my life that at the end of it i don’t think about how it was, what did i do, what could i have done better, what was my behaviour like and there are days where i cry because it doesn’t seem to matter how hard i try it will never change how people perceive me, and don’t you find it so strange that what they choose to remember is poor behaviour,    I am recognized for my loud out spoken no filter mouth, my poor attitude, my unapproachable sarcastic attitude, my sick time, my lack of affection and for not going to functions.  I am those things however i am so much more.  I am also the one that will stick up for you in a heart beat, my loud, out spoken no filter mouth will be the voice you hear when you need defending or a supportive word.  My poor attitude isn’t poor at all, it goes along with my unapproachable sarcastic attitude,  it is called self preservation, it is a form of detaching so that my very sensitive soul wont break down into pieces every time something hurtful or cruel is said, that with my heart loving so many and so deeply that if I don’t create some form of space it would hurt my heart more than it already does and allows me to function in day to day life.  I am not a big hugger, cuddlier so it is perceived that I am not affectionate.  Yet I will bake for you, create foods, take you in if you have no where to live, spend time with you, write things for you, get you things that you need if you can not get out, touch base, reach out even if we are on the outs to make sure your ok when something goes sideways.  Even if my world is crumbling I will still do something to let you know your not alone in a shit time, maybe not as often however the effort is there and as we all know when your broken reaching out is not easy.  oh and my favorite, hey lor you showed up.  yep I sure in the fuck did, it took 2 hours of talking to myself about how it was going to be ok, doing my best to not be nervous or show how terrible uncomfortable I am and then trying to find topics to talk about that aren’t depressing, sad, heart hurting and to make sure I behave appropriately while out because god only knows how terrible uncomfortable and uneasy I feel( hence sarcasm and stand off attitude).  Which 70 % of the time I usually have to phone and apologize to someone, people I was with, there husbands or friends, waitresses, co workers, my husband, my children and usually myself.  Because the next day consist of what could I have done better, why did I say or do that, you know better and this doesn’t have to involve booze this could just be going to work,  social is 1000x worse.    That to me is that hard part being a self analyzer and always wanted to be a better version of yourself everyday is that you own it all.  I will be the first to apologize, to admit my wrong doing or character flaw and in doing so it very rarely gives anyone else the opportunity to look at their own behavior.  So sometimes I end up owning it all and trying so hard to understand why I did something or why am I feeling so yucky about this situation and at times find myself unheard, invisible and not validated and wondering why.  In this time of reflection I have been able to find some clarity for myself, which is great because then it means I will not have to pull it all apart tonight and examine it all..  lol, who am I kidding I will most likely think about this post and worry about if it sounded right, did I offend anyone, upset or hurt anyone, hopefully I didn’t embarrass my family..if your a self analyzer like myself you know what I am talking about.  

anyways some of the conclusion I came up with is that I am an empathy, which I already knew however maybe some of you didn’t.  I am quick to own my stuff, apologize and work on being better for some it allows them to not have to own their stuff.   My kindness has been mistaken for weakness because I will usually choose the high road, let things go instead of needing to prove my point or be right.   I care about every human if I know you are not.  unheard, unseen and not validated well isn’t that easy to happen when we are seeking approval of others whos perception of you is old or untrue to ones self.  what I was able to realize is that it isn’t up to me to change your thoughts or perceptions about me if you think I am obnoxious and outspoken then so be it, I have been, I can be and I am sure I will be again.

Basically what I learned, in this self reflection – self isolation is that a lot of people have the wrong idea about me and I have no desire to clear shit up.  I have moved through my life excepting people for who and what they are, it isn’t up to me to change them, judge them or correct them because the journey they are on is there own as is mine.  I learned that I had lose boundires and with that it allowed people to not be the best version of themselves and with my limited expectations out of them and high out of me it would leave me feeling shitty and thinking I had to be better.  I learned that I like my own company more so then being with some people and that the work I need or want to do on myself isn’t because of someone else’s perception of something I might have done in a moment, or past behaviour, its is because it is something I want to do to be a better version of myself, a character flaw that I see within me, a behaviour that I do not like that leaves me feeling unhappy within. Mostly I learned is everyone is struggling and sometimes it is easier to point a figure at someone else instead of looking at ones self, that the majority of the time someone’s perception of you has a lot to do with self projecting, the insecurities, the unhealthy behaviours, the jealousy, the inadequacies in themselves.  I learned to be thankful and grateful for the time it allowed me to look at things and heal.  Mostly I learned that everyone is on a path of some sort and we have no idea what it is, so in this time choose to be kind, let things go and allow people to be, and let my perceptions stay to myself

take sweet care