I left off with my parents holding hands walking in to say good bye to their daughter, unknowing for how long. A helicopter ride, a ferry ride, a moment or forever. There is something about seeing your parents older, heartbroken and capable of loving each other through it. I felt blessed and broken all at once. Ya i cried not only for them for Suzi and for myself. They must have been running out of time because the nurse came back out a few moments later and told me that i was able to go in as well. So i did. I gave her kisses that i hoped she felt along with all the love i could energetically give. My parents gave her kisses and said there peace. It was time for us to go. it wasn’t enough time, i didn’t feel ready to let her out of my sight yet. however they told us we had to leave. We walked out of the special room while they finished what they needed to with suzi to prep her for flight. We walked in silence for a few moments. We made our plan, Dad was going to head home. Mom was going to go to her home and get ready for Jason and I to pick her up for the 5 am ferry to head to Vancouver to meet up with suzi in Vancouver General. Jason was ready to pick me up and show my dad how to get in the right direction to his home. I told him to go and then come back. I wasn’t ready to leave. He came back and wanted me to get in the truck. I told him to park i wasn’t leaving yet. I stood outside the hospital and waiting till i knew she was ok and in the helicopter. I stood out there for what felt like forever. worrying that something had gone wrong and that’s why it was taking so long. I didn’t want to leave to go in and ask in case i missed her coming out. And in that moment i heard the doors open and it reminded me of when the astronauts come walking out to board the space ship. in a line, all formal, you know that overwhelming energy of awh you feel. Suzi was facing me so i mouthed i love you… she couldn’t see me she couldn’t hear me however i hoped she could feel me. at the same time one of the air paramedics looked up and gave me a wave. like we got her its ok. i cried, Jason was pretty sure it was time to go but i stood solid. I was not moving. I don’t know what i thought i could do if anything went sideways however the fear of leaving before her was to over whelming i wasn’t able to do it..I didn’t want her to feel alone, i want to be there in case she came to or incase she needed something. I know it isn’t logical however it is what it is. They loaded her up and it was only after they lifted and headed to wards Vancouver that i was able to make my feet move. I am sure had i not gotten clarity that they were going to fly low enough to not create pressure in her brain i would have found a way to climb aboard. dont get me wrong i asked if one of us could go. we were not allowed. I was bummed but relieved, figured it meant there was a bit of hope. I got into the truck and realized i was cold and how late it was. we had enough time to drive home, tend to the pups and turn around to head back to pick up mom.
We arrived at the ferry terminal about 430am, i phoned the hospital to see if my sister had landed and if any information was available yet. They said they would call once they had information. I tried to reach other family with no luck. My first call came around 530, it was my older sister Patti. She got the message, we chatted and she was going to catch the 6 out of departure bay and meet us at the hospital. My second call was my dad around 6 asking if the doctor called, that they had called him but he wanted me to call them back. I called the dr. She was a very kind wonderful woman trying to find words to tell me about the grave situation my sister was in. She explained to me that my sister had an aneurysm and that with the severity of her situation and condition that they didn’t feel that surgery was an option. The felt that it was futile to do so therefore they were not going to. She was terrible sorry. I explained that i understood, asked if we could come see her as soon as we were off the ferry and at the hospital. She told me to check in and they would let us know where to see her once there.
This is when the hard part starts even more so. I hang up the phone and i have to tell my mom. It was horrible . Have you ever watched someone’s heart break…and before i even had time to finish up telling my mom, my phone rang and it was my sisters daughter. Man i thought it was tough telling my mom, but the to tell my sisters daughter that it wasn’t looking good and i suggest they head to Vancouver asap. I could feel the fear through the phone, oh and the tears. Talk about feeling horrible and helpless. I would love to say my tasks were done however i still had to phone my dad and my older sister:( There is nothing good in delivering the news that they did not have a great expectation for Suzis out come, that they were not going to preform surgery because they felt like it was futile. With each time i had to repeat the information my stomach turned more and more. If i wanted to stay in a place of denial or pretend it wasn’t that bad, i definitely could not. i had to remind myself of the truth each time i had to tell another family member. I had started to prepare myself for a life without my sister Suzi in it. I could not believe it, how could this be, she is only 56. So i prepared for the worst and hoped for the best on what felt like the longest ferry ride ever.