I have been avoiding writing on here, mostly because I feel like I ought to be finishing up the last bit of the book instead of putting thoughts down that the majority of the time I don’t post. I can not tell you how many unposted write ups I have. Maybe today I will surprise myself. I seem to be in that mood.
I have been doing everything under the sun but finishing up the last of the book. I told my bff Tim ( editor or next in command guy) that I would submit my stuff before Christmas, and here is sits beside my bed. Apparently I am stuck on my own words. Well let me correct that, not my words, someone else’s words that I have to change back into my own. This experience have been far more challenging that I thought it would be. I have learned a lot and many many times I have wanted to just say F it. I need to finish that I know for sure, who wants to leave a book so close to completion to not follow through. I thought about it, I’ve fought with myself about it and in the end I’m like dang it Lorri finish the book.
So the things I have been doing to fill my time instead of writing is, hanging out on Facebook, Instagram and what’s app. chatty chatty chatty I have been. Decluttering spaces with the justification that I need them in order to complete what I am to be editing. Or all of a sudden I need my workout space, music area cleaned and the best one my meditation space. oh how I laugh at myself. I do need those spaces organized ( well not anymore because I did that today) It all has been a total avoidance of working on the book. One might wonder why I struggle so much, I know I was. Until today. When it all came crashing down when I had nothing left to distract myself. I picked up the book to re read again the part I am at, when the tears poured down my face. Its painful. It is a reminder of how unhealed my heart actually is. How quickly I can be moved back into that time so easily. I can read a few words of this particular part and I can feel the my chest tighten with anxiety, I am sitting in a chair and everything starts to slowly fall way, the walls, the floor, it all drops and I am there alone, swallowed by the darkness of heartache that one can only feel when their heart is broken with the grief. With my own written word I take myself back to a place that was extremely heart wrenching for me.
Now you would think that might be the all of it on why I procrastinate on the writing, however it is not. oh it is part for sure, that pain is super unpleasant. What I realized today what is holding me back was exposing my pain, putting it on paper for all to read. Leaving myself so exposed in a situation that has already left me a different person than I was before it happened. Am I ready to be open to more judgement, criticism, and opinions? I have had the what ifs running through my mind, yes sadly fear scurried in where my heartache resides and took up part of the neighborhood. Enthusiasm, self esteem and self worth kind of took up less space in the hood.
All in all, it was a great realization. Besides putting down my thoughts on here, self and I had some pretty good conversation. Im sure at one point I heard self telling me to stop being such a baby and get on with it. lol
so that’s it.. my share for today.
Goal finish book edits and send to my bff ( tim) in three days.