Heartbreak, healing and tattoos

So it has been a long while since I have posted anything on here. I had these great intentions that I was going to practice writing on here, get things out, talk about the things that no one really wants to talk about, well that seems to have been an epic fail. big sigh.

So much has gone on and I have put so little into writing, well on here anyways. I write lots and often, the truth be told I guess I am still having a hard time sharing with the world, leaving myself open and vulnerable. I wanted to write about the struggles within my heart, journeys that we have endured as a family, my grandchildren, losses, and gains, however it has taken me till now to share. I sometimes don’t want to share because people can be shitty. You know that saying in a world where you can choose to be whatever you want, be kind.. I wish more people would choose that.

One day my son was cuddling his baby boy, he found a lump on my grandsons head, so he took him to emergency. There he spent a lot of hours while they did x rays and such. One person told my son that his son was ok and that he was free to go, however, there was an amazing doctor who stayed well past he assigned hours to help my son out. This beautiful man could tell that my son was concerned and obviously didn’t feel right with sending Drake home with his son and no answers. The doctor then did more test, called in a pediatrician, and thank goodness they did. Damian had a growth in his head, so they were going to send him to childrens hospital once the results were looked at, if need be. They told Drake to go home and that they would contact him once someone from childrens hospital had been in touch and they would go from there. At this point we don’t really know what is in Damian head, how big, or what anything consist of, just that he has a growth. It was a pretty tough go for them all and things moved quickly. Drake then received a call and they asked if he could bring Damian back up to the hospital to do a few more test, so he did. Once done they came back home, only for a short time before the hospital called and asked him to bring him back up that they were going to send Damian to childrens hospital asap. The weather was terrible so they couldn’t helicopter Damian over, they kept the whole family over night. In the morning we Mark, Kathy and myself, went to get Drake from the hospital and headed to the ferry. They could only take one parent with Damian in the plane. It was a pretty long day for them. They ( emily and drake) stayed positive, they talked about the good things that were happening, like Damians first plane ride, and anything else that they could get a feel good from in the scary crazy situation that was happening around them to there beautiful baby boy.

We spent a few days at children’s hospital, let me tell you they are amazing. I never really knew how much went into this hospital and I guess that is how it works. You don’t realize or value it as much until you need it. It was incredible how amazing everyone was. The kindness, the care and not once did I feel that my grandson was not getting the best care. He was definitely getting the best care. They even brought balloons and such for his room so we could celebrate his first birthday while we were there.

They put him under so he could get a MRI done, which would give us a better idea of what was happening inside his little head. The results were unbelievable. He had a 10 x 8 cm cyst inside his tiny little head, and they couldn’t be sure that it was just a cyst 🙁 some my not think much of that or the concept of what it looks like doesn’t really compute so I will post a picture.

so the photo on the left is before surgery. the photo on the right is after surgery and it had gone down 3 cm.. 3 cm doesn’t sound like much however as you can see it looks way better than the left side.

That is a big ass cyst. No wonder the little guy cried at times. It was so hard to wrap ones head around, how did this little guy function? why was he not crying in pain everyday? He cried, however, not enough to indicate to his parents that something like this was going on inside his head. This was found because Drake was loving him up and was stroking his head and felt a lump. A lump that was dismissed at first by a lab tech, a doctor yet it didn’t feel right to my son or another doctor and it was with the persistence of that doctor doing extra work that they were able to find out that something wasn’t right. Little did they know at that time they were saving his life.

It was hard to watch the kids ( adult kids) make the decisions that they had to make for the well being of their son. It was hard to feel so helpless for my son while he was feeling so helpless for his own. The surgery went really well, it is a high risk surgery and the surgical team was fantastic. Damian did great through the procedure. It was after that was tough. Damian was having a hard time breathing so they ended up sending him to icu. We all waited and waited in the waiting room for what felt like a lifetime. Emily and Drake went down to find out what was going on. Emilys mom and I were watching through the door windows. We watched the doctor talk to them, we watched Drake hug Emily and her cry, then watched him drop his head and cry. Of course the worst goes through our minds it was horrible. When they come back Drake has sucked up his tears and is being strong, he tells us that they had to put Damian on life support.

He strongly tells us he is going to be ok. Drakes faith didn’t falter, he was soooo incredible strong for his family. It was a pretty incredible time. We were all there to support. Bob and Kathy ( emilys parents), myself and Jason (my husband), Mark (drakes dad) and Selena, Kaylee ( drakes sister) and Mataya ( Emily and drakes daughter) . The amazement for me was the strength that Drake and Emily had. They supported each other so amazingly. it was a stressful, heart hurt time and they held each other up and kept each other strong. And the strength in there son, it just fills my heart, what an amazing strong little man. He has been through so much in his little life, they all have. I would love to tell you that everything is great and life is merry however that would be a lie. Go back to children’s hospital on the 9th of Feb 2020 for an mri on the 10. When we went a few months back they had told the kids that the cyst was growing and that they will probably have to do another surgery. If that’s the case my hope is that he bounces back as beautifully as he did the first time, minus the life support.

It sucks that another surgery is hanging in the back ground. Where they go in is where his speech is effected. He is such an amazing little man, has such a personality and has become so chatty in the last while, I of course have concerns and I am only grandma so I can only imagine how the kids feel. How many brain surgeries can one little guy have? how does it effect him later? now? Will it set him back? will it effect his learning and brain growth? so many questions, and yet there are really no other options except to have another surgery if they say it is needed. With a cyst that large you do not want it to rupture on its own, you would want it to be done in a more controlled environment. There are no guarantees that in an controlled environment that there wont be complications, or it will still drain to fast and hemorrhaging will happen, however, in a non controlled environment well hemorrhaging would be inevitable. too many blood vessels would be involved. I’ve never been in a position where I had to make a life altering decision for my child, let alone one that has to be made when he is 1 and now going to be 3. I never had to make a choice knowing that it could possible turn out horrible and yet still have to make that decision. To have to endure watching your child go through that all over again when the only imagines that run through your mind are of him on life support from last time. To make the decisions because ultimately you want your child to have the best and longest life possible

For me this is where it got hard to write. this is where people could choose kind, instead of shitty, where people always have an opinion and judgement with no compassion or empathy. And possible because it effects so many people in this situation that I love and adore it bothered me even more. Please understand I am a fight for the underdog, and will have a comment is someone post something shitty on a page because they are so caught up in their ignorance that they cant see the forest through the trees. I always do my best to be kind even to those that don’t like me and have treated me poorly, not because I am weak because I am better than that. So when a magazine had picked up a bit of the story because my son got a tattoo to match his sons scar and people posted comments that had nothing to do with what they had been through, or any care at all, just the thoughts and opinions of what they believed my son to be and why he did his tattoo I just lost a little faith in society. I didn’t want to write, I didn’t want to hear or see peoples response, I didn’t know if I could handle some persons ignorance when so much had gone on, so much pain, fear and sadness so I just didn’t write. I find it sad that in todays world it seems to be so easy for people to say shitty things, things they know nothing about, as they sit behind there laptops or electronic devices.

He didn’t do it to be cool, or for any other reason than in his heart he wanted his son to not be alone/singled out/made fun of, if by chance kids were cruel or made fun of him Drake wanted to be able to be like hey don’t worry about it, I got one just like you. what he did was beautiful and pure in his heart. It was a symbol of love, it was the only way he knew how to try to minimize the pain.

that’s the photo on Instagram that got the attention of the magazine. Joel has been a family friend for 29 years and did the art work on Drakes head. He does beautiful work so if any one needs a great tattoo joelleetattoo@gmail.com, https://www.joelleetattoo.com, or find him on facebook or Instagram.

I guess I am sharing now because its all coming up again. I know that things never get really removed from cyber world and my hope is that if my grandchildren decide to look up things that there is something positive written with what they went through. That Damian knows that the tattoo his dad has on his head isn’t anything but love, that if his father could go through brain surgery so he didn’t have to he would have, that as messed up as life can be at times he knows that he has the love and support of his family. It may not be your way, it may not be my way, it definitely was my sons way and I find no fault in whatever way someone tries to express unconditional love and unconditionally he loves these little beans 🙂

hopefully you can find some kindness in your hearts today and send positive vibes the families way. I can not imagine how my adult children feel with the decisions they have had to make and what yet lays ahead for them, however, I want them to know that I got you.. love you infinity