TRAIN WRECK

I know….What a title hey, however how many of us have felt like that. How many of us have hung our heads and hoped no one else would see it. Which I laugh at, because if we feel like we are a train wreck, then most likely others can see it as well. Then getting to the definition of what train wreck means to each and everyone of us, and how vastly different it can be.

Some people feel like a train wreck when they tango with some heavier emotions, when they feel unstable and not fully in check. Some it is in appearance, some in behaviors and some…..well they are completely unaware and walk through the days being a tornado of a train wreck with the inability to see the mass destruction they leave in their wake. I have always found this fascinating, not just in others in myself as well. How we can maneuver through the days juggling our emotions, our actions, reactions and justifying each and everything that we do. Finding reasons, explanations, anything that will allow us to feel that what we have done or are doing is acceptable somehow. That we are in control, that we are not some fast paced moving train racing down the track heading for a dead end because we missed the signs that told us we were suppose to switch to another track and ultimately the crash is coming no matter how hard we try to slow it down.

I’d like to say that I have never missed the signs that I have always been on the right track just trucking along, slow, steady and stable. Well that would be a lie. The steady progression of my train ride has been far from a gentle rhythmic sway, that soothed its passengers along the travels, giving them the sense of security and safety. No that was definitely not how mine would be described. Mine is more like a violently jolting , chaotic turbulence, screeching metal, deafening impact, shattering stillness after the crash. A surreal scene of wreckage.

I think it is great for those that have a smooth travel through the journey of their lives, I think man you must have already done a shit ton of karmic work, or you are so frickin blessed to move through this life with no drama, chaos or pain. To leisurely move down the track towards your destination. Then the other part of my brain stops and thinks….are they? What did they get to experience? joy? happiness? do they even know because it has just been a steady flow of existence? Did they have any turbulence at all? If you are just moving down the track to a destination, one that you aren’t even sure of, then is the journey enjoyable..? Do you just sit there and watch the world pass you buy through the window? Do you observe but never partake? Do you stop when you see something appealing to the eye, or does the train just keep moving keeping you safe and secure inside the carriages while it all passes you by, only to be seen put not experienced? Then I wonder, was it always smooth or did the turbulence happen in the beginning of the ride? before it even really got to leave the station? did the train crash that they were on, did they survive the wreckage, cover the wounds and jumped onto another train, a more safe and secure one…One that would never change course to just take them to the final destination… protected by the metal of the carriage, with the overly cautious conductor, who is gripped by fear, who proceeds forward with a persistent worry about potential mishaps that shadows his every move. So the train moves slowly, at a flat pace, with precise movement to be ready to control any situation that may arise. It moves with cautiously, steadily proceeding forward, no surprised, no falter of track just a straight line to the end of the journey.

I use to think that I wanted that, comfort of knowing what was to come, and how to maneuver through it. No surprises, no pain, no sufferings, knowing it would be a steady flow with no bumps till the end of the road. And even then maybe it was a smooth transition. I use to believe that I wanted that, usually right after a mishap of some sort would happen. A little mishap, a big mishap and a knock you on your ass mishaps. The thought of rolling down the track, the carriage keeping you guarded, protected, and safe. All the opportunity for mishaps on the outside while you cruse in the warm and safety on the inside. Never taking a new track, never getting on a new train, just same old same old with the security of know what it was going to be. The security of not getting sidelined, caught of guard, or knocked off the track….just a chugga chugga choo choo to the end of the track.

Or so I thought…… Yep…. I wanted to hop on that train of protection sooo many times. For some reason it never stopped at the platforms I was waiting on. I would be standing waiting to board the next train, in my case train wreck, and there it would go. Slowly passing me by stopping a few platforms over. I could see it however I was never at the right station to catch that train. I was bummed out every time. I would be like dang it girl, what is wrong with you? why do you always pick the train that crashes, or is sooooo frickin turbulent that you can not relax? I use to believe that I was always on the wrong train. lol Oh me, it wasn’t till later on in my life that I realized that I was always on the right platform, I was always on the right train, I was exactly moving at whatever pace I was moving at with as many stops and transfers that I needed. I was going to arrive at the destination just like everyone else, though maybe not looking as well put together as some of the other passengers that travelled the smooth train of security and protection. I was going to be well-versed on survival.. more than that though all that comes along with picking yourself up after each wreckage. It is easy to want to protect one self, to point fingers and blame the outside world or the conductor of the train. What happens when you know nothing else except survival is you build character traits you didn’t realize this train track was teaching you. I look back now and realize had I not boarded each train that I did, I would have missed out on soooo much. Sure I would have avoided some pain, some scars and my heart may have stayed more whole with less strings holding it together. However, all the fear and avoidance of feeling ( well anything except safe) would have consumed me in a different form. It would have manifested itself inside me, somehow while I was busy staying safe all the unhealed wounds would slowly spread whatever disease festered inside them, moving thought out my body weakening me, crippling me and allowing me to cross the destination line without memories of anything other than restricted emotions based on security, fear and afraid of pain. I am not sure how long my secure train ride would be, who knows how long the wounds that I covered or kept down would take to get infected and spread disease thought out my body. Who knows how long I would sit looking out the window watching the world feeling like I had saved myself while I slowly died inside. who knows.

What I do know is that I never got to board that train. I am not sure if I was just to impatient enough to wait to see if it would come to my platform. If I got on whatever train showed up next because something inside of me told me I had to keep going. I had no idea where the f I was heading I just knew I didn’t want to stay in the wreckage. I knew I didn’t want to stay in the wreckage because I did hover for awhile in one and the pain that started to move through me was to unpleasant to stay. I knew I need to move on, I just didn’t know which train to grab next. I could have stayed on the platform, I could have succumb to the pain and protected myself yet I did not. I did what most of us that are classified as a train wreck do, I found the courage to move to a new platform, to board a new train. I knew that the chance of boarding another wreck was an option and leaving myself vulnerable to more pain, yet isn’t that what being brave and and courageous is all about. I remember reading in Brene Brown something that always stuck with me. “Vulnerability is not winning or losing: its having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome. Vulnerability is not weakness: it is our greatest measure of courage. And so I did, over and over and over again. My train ride hasn’t been smooth, it still isn’t, yet I comfortable sit in my seat on whichever train I happen to be riding in whatever moment it is. Knowing that each ride has opened up my ability to be more vulnerable ( courageous) to be less judgmental (trusting) and more accepting. It has allowed me the freedom to get off one train and board another if I so choose. It has allowed me to make sudden stops if I see something outside the window that is appealing and I want to partake in. It has made it that I can move over and allow you to sit beside me if you are on your first train wreak and need someone beside you to feel a bit safer on the turbulent ride you are about to endeavor. I am not saying that my train wrecks have defined me, I am saying that they definitely helped build character and charisma that I am proud to have. If I had not been humbled would I be as kind? If I had not felt rejected, unwanted, unworthy would I feel self love? If I had not had shame would I know non judgement? If I had not had vulnerability would I know courage? If I had not moved on from the wreckage would I know trust? If I had not been humiliated or had been wrongly done would I know integrity? Sure I could have avoided more wreckage, had I chosen the safe train on the track… would the journey have been more fun? I think of all the experiences I have had the hard ones, the good ones the oh my god what have I done ones and mostly of the spontaneous ones that turn out beautiful, the ones that I know I never would have been blessed enough to experience if I wasn’t such a train wreck (peoples say) Oh sure I am still heading to the same destination as the rest of the people on the trains a bit more banged up, some scars here and there. I have a few wounds that still need to heal and leave whatever mark they make, though I would much rather feel the wound and allow it the time to heal then keep it suppressed to move more disease through out my body. No… I will happily hop on another train, move through another wreckage, overcome whatever damage arise and most importantly I will proudly be define as a train wreck if it means I have lived without restriction and to my fullest.